If you’ve visited Google Maps lately, you may have noticed that Google is proudly displaying a link near the top of the page that says “New! Get indoor maps on your phone. Learn more.” This link leads to a flashy splashy interactive demo of Google Maps’ latest features, including indoor mapping of places like shopping malls and department stores. The demo shows a smart phone displaying a Google map of a department store along with a prompt to click the “4″ and see a map of the store’s fourth floor. After doing that, a new prompt says, “Go back to the floor you are at.”
Really, Google marketing team? Really? “You are at?” Despite its billions of dollars, Google apparently can’t afford to hire a copywriter or a proofreader who advanced beyond third grade English? Really, Google? Really? That’s not just stupid. It’s stoopid.
The following is submitted as yet one more piece of evidence that Corporate America is guilty of crimes against the English language:
Tiny Prints is propelling the art of traditional social expression into the digital age. The company has spent over¹ 6 years creating a unique and compelling online site that meets virtually every conceivable personal or business stationery need…. This is a unique opportunity to play a highly impactful role² with an industry trailblazer in a huge and rapidly transitioning³ market.
Why Tiny Prints?
We are not interested in politics or titles. We are interested in performance and moving the needle!4 Our teams are both innovative and disciplined utilizing5 the best minds on our projects to collaborate on a solution.
Our products are personal and based on happy moments i.e. birthdays, wedding, engagements, and child births6. We are looking for people that think it is cool to make a difference in others lives as a living7.
Why Senior UI Designer at Tiny Prints?
You’ll be the principal architect of the company’s user experience, crafting user environments that seamlessly and successfully meld multiple elements of usability – from complex and highly interactive tools and templates to frictionless8 customer service and ecommerce functionality.
¹ “more than”. See also English 101
² Just say to have an impact, for God’s sake
³ Why use this silly word? Because the words changing or evolving don’t have enough syllables, apparently
4 Wow. Here’s a candidate for Unsuck It
5 Again. Why go with a clear, two-syllable word like using, when there is a three-syllable douchey-sounding word like utilizing?
6 As opposed to… adult births?
7 Could this sentence be any more awkward?
8 When was the last time you heard a real person say frictionless? Never, that’s when. So why use such a stupid, nonsensical word?
I just saw a job description that splattered words like leverage, mission-driven and utilize all over the page and it made me want to puke on my keyboard.
It makes me want to ask the writer, “When you are out having a meal with your friends, do you ask your best pal to leverage her proximity to the condiments and procure the salt for you? Was your last trip to the bathroom mission-driven? If you can use plain English when speaking with your friends, why can’t you use plain English when speaking with business colleagues?”
I have worked at companies where employees spoke in this meaningless jargon all day long and it made me want to shoot myself in the head rather than work there one day longer. It was like spending eight hours a day, five days a week at a Star Trek convention where everyone is speaking Klingon – a made-up language that is completely useless and means nothing to anyone other than insiders.
I just want to work with at a place where people say what they mean in plain English. Is that too much to ask?
Dear HuffPost. This story (and Lauren Ashley in particular) demonstrates that your site needs a few more button options for answering your standard “What’s Your Reaction?” question at the end of every post. Options like “HORROR”, “MISERY”, or “I HAVE LOST MY LAST SHRED OF HOPE FOR THE FUTURE OF OUR SPECIES”.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost